Dallas Taylor!

It wasn't until I admitted complete defeat and gave up the illusion that some day I would learn to control my drinking and using, that I was able to survive. For me, it has not been without serious consequence. I lost my family, my career in music, and received a liver transplant in 1990. We are taught in our society to never give up. This can be a deadly mistake! The dictionary describes surrender as "giving up the fight" and "joining the winning side.” I believe that my alcoholism is a disease of self-loathing. For me the glass was always half empty, and no matter how successful I was, that feeling of hopelessness, suddenly appeared. The more successful I was, the worse I felt. Without even realizing it at first, I began to self-destruct. It seemed to give me some twisted sense of control. I would destroy my success before "you" could take it away.

Looking back through clear eyes, this seems quite insane, yet I hear this same kind of behavior from many alcoholics and addicts I talk to. I no longer drink or use drugs, gamble or smoke cigarettes, but I have to be aware of becoming addicted to anything that will keep me from "feeling," and dealing with life on life's terms. I was an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. No one, including myself, expected me to live. Finally, in 1984 after numerous halfhearted attempts to stop, and after a suicide attempt with a butcher knife to my stomach, I was just too beat to fight any longer. I surrendered! The battle was over – and a new life awaited me. With the help of counselors at a treatment center, I was able to get the "tools" I needed to begin this incredible journey. I have been restored from that hopeless state of mind and body.

Today my life is quite different. I am married to a woman that loves and respects me, I have a relationship with my children and grandchildren, I am able to look in the mirror and not hate my reflection. My life is no longer based on "self centered fear,” afraid of losing what I have or not getting what I want. Although, from time to time, these fears still creep in, I now have the tools to deal with it. I now find pleasure in helping other alcoholics and addicts. For this selfish rock and roll drummer, that's quite a transformation! Finding a sense of spirituality has been essential for this change.

If you think you might have a problem, the answer is yes, you probably do. Also, please understand that the disease of addiction is progressive, and does not get better on its own - nor does it stay at one level. The whole family becomes "sick", and the whole family must get help. You've heard the word "codependent.” Simply put, the spouse or parent, desperately tries to control the addict's behavior, only to find they are left feeling completely powerless, angry, and frustrated. Or worse - "staying busy" and pretending everything is "Okay.” One of my favorite old rehab TV ads is the one that showed the elephant in the middle of the living room, with the family walking around, under the tail and the trunk, sipping tea, completely oblivious to the massive pachyderm's presence. This is called "Denial,” and is responsible for thousands of deaths and broken homes. The worst thing to do is to do nothing at all. Until I was able to admit that there was a problem, and honestly ask for help, I could not stop. I was going to die.

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